Dear LJ...

[bluegargantua]

Today, I got to explain to my mom "who gets to be the man" in lesbian relationships.

I hope I did right by my lesbian friends.

I also got to explain about "bears". "So you know those tough motorcycle guys you see at Sturgis? Yeah, gay."

I love my mother dearly, but her life in a monoculture has made her very strange to me.

later
Tom

Comments

[kcatalyst.livejournal.com]

So, who does get to be the man?

[bluegargantua]

Neither, if they wanted a man, they wouldn't be lesbians.

I know that's a really simplified version, but the subtleties confuse me a lot of the time and would just go right over my mom's head. I assume every relationship is a snowflake and the participants in the relationship decide who takes on what gender roles (or if they share/exchange it, or if a given gender role is even important to their relationship).

It would be nice for my mom if all lesbian relationships fell along a strict femme/dyke pairing that synced up to a female/male het relationship and that all gender roles were perfectly codified. I suppose I've seen so many combinations that I find it difficult to say anything definitive since I know no one label applies. I've given up easy certainty in favor of infinate possibilites, but that makes it hard to try and help people from the monoculture look outside the box.

Still, I hope I conveyed the general idea to my mom. At least I didn't say "the one currently wearing the strap-on". :)

later
Tom

[beowabbit]

At least I didn't say "the one currently wearing the strap-on". :)

Actually, it’s the one with the bigger strap-on! You should see some of the household credit-card bills! :-)

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

Neither, if they wanted a man, they wouldn't be lesbians.

That's a good way of explaining the basics! (You'd think it would be obvious, but it's amazing how many "obvious" things need to be explained....)

[asciikitty.livejournal.com]

Why? Why did you and your mom think this was a good idea? I'm so confused...

[bluegargantua]

Laat night we had supper with some old friends of the family. The daughter is a lesbian and has a partner. Both women fall onto the dyke end of the spectrum so both were relatively "masculine" in my mom's eyes. "Who gets to be the man" is a burning question when you live in heteronormative-land and I was the person most likely to know so...

later
Tom

[asciikitty.livejournal.com]

Ah.

That actually makes a lot of sense. I just tripped over my own generalizations there - I forgot that Omaha might have lesbians.

[debsquared.livejournal.com]

If your mom is anything like my mom, she'll immediately forget this conversation so you can have the pleasure of discussing it again in a year or two. :p

[chienne-folle.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my mom's like that, too. Her sense of what the world is froze solid in 1957, and subsequent explanations don't really sink in.

Dare I ask

[drwex]

How these topics came up in the first place? It sounds like the sort of conversation I would NEVER want to have with my mother.

[purple-dj.livejournal.com]

My sister's friend from high school had a lesbian wedding, and the genderless assigning of roles extended into the wedding party. (Go MA!)

This particular couple did have a definite femme/dyke bias. Based on that, they did wear a dress and a tux, respectively. However, all of their friends were assigned assigned as groomsmen or bridesmaids based on which of the couple they knew better. And while the male bridesmaid's didn't wear dresses, all of the groomsmen wore tuxes.

So, my sister happened to be the best man and wear a tux to the wedding. My niece (who was 7 at the time) was a ring bearer and also wore a little tux.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

My mom thinks that all gays and lesbians secretly signal their gayness to each other through some very cryptic visual cue. She'll ask me "What does it mean when a man wears a braid over his left shoulder?" or "What does it mean when a man wears a silver bracelet?" What she wants me to say is "GAY," and when I don't, she'll say "It means they're gay, don't be so blind."

Some Christmas or other I should explain the hanky code to her. :-)

Also, ALL women over 6 feet tall are "drag queens" as far as she's concerned, no exceptions. I spent my brother's wedding trying to assure her that our cousin's drop-dead gorgeous 6'2" fiance was in fact female (and has since had a baby).

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Also, ALL women over 6 feet tall are "drag queens" as far as she's concerned, no exceptions.

LOL. That's actually really funny. A little sad, but funny.

[(Anonymous)]

1. Who decides what it means to be the man in a hetero relationship? My husband is the cook and I am the welder..

2. Those tough motorcycle guys are not ALL gay..

[bluegargantua]

1.) The guy is the man, duh. ;)

2.) I know, but anything to make her consider that gay people might be around is a good deal.

[insegnante.livejournal.com]

A friend of our's is still trying to figure out who the man is in our relationship.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

Now multiply that times 50% of the United States and we understand why there are "red states". Monoculture = bad.

[mikecap.livejournal.com]

Also, the answer to this question is: "The Batman is the man in the relationship."