bluegargantua | A decision

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narcissim,
sex

A decision

I have come to a decision.

Leading your partner/sub/whatever around by a leash in public is Not Right. An exception may be made for the Fetish Flea, or a Fetish club or other Fetish-appropriate venue. But in general public? No. No, that's Not Right.

I won't automatically hate you or avoid you at all costs or be uncivil to you, but I will think just a little less of you.

Sure, you've got a D/s lifestyle and you want to celebrate it and be proud. To you I say huzzah and go to.

However, person on a leash where people don't normally "walk their pet" isn't cool because:

a.) There is a bit of a safety issue here. You've got a long dangling lead locked around your neck. That's just a bad accident waiting to happen.

b.) I don't think this is a real positive image for kinky sex in general. Yeah, in private I lead you around by a leash and make you eat from a doggie dish and what-have-you because this is our negotiated fantasy. This isn't how you live your life, it's how you get your rocks off. Yes, yes, hardcore D/s people may have a life like this, but even then, there's a deep understanding and appreciation of what's going on. There are nuances and underlying meanings that aren't generally appeciated by the public at large. Either the leashee looks pathetic, the leasher looks cruel, or worse, it plays into the worst kinds of misogyny (even if the leashee is a man).

It is with some approval I note that this behavior is generally seen in fairly young couples and one hopes that they'll eventually wise up and leave their bedroom toys at home in the bedroom.

For the record, I have no problem with people wearing obviously fetishistic collars in public. It's only the actual leash that seems in really poor taste to me.

later
Tom

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Where in public are you seeing folks led around on leashes that isn't a club? Was this at GenCon? Because, if so? Man, I miss one year and this happens? :)

Well, I have seen it in Harvard Sq. once or twice.

And yeah, I definately saw it at GenCon.

But you wanted to be there for the female stormtrooper with the bare midriff and pink shoulder pad.

mmm...oppress me baby
Tom

Hot female stormtroopers are this year's Sailor Scouts.

Harvard Square, eh? Can't say that I have, but I usually keep my head down there. :D

For the most part, I agree with you.

I wonder, however: If we lived in a society that accepted different forms of sexual expression, even celebrated them, would you feel the same way about this?

I know vanilla people who are perfectly capable of seeing kinky folk doing their thing and rejoicing in the joy their friends are having of it. If that were the general societal attitude, would you feel differently?

It may not be similar. I don't know. But I love doing amateur stripping, in part because the audience is generally quite sex positive. But I would feel degraded by stripping at most strip clubs, because the audience would have this attitude that just ... ick.

True.

But we do live in a world with an infinate variety of sexual tastes. I don't necessarily need to see it all on a walk down the street.

And yeah, here starts the slippery slope towards "I don't mind gays I just wish they weren't gay in public". People touching/being affectionate towards one another isn't a big deal. But more explicit conduct, of any sort, really belongs somewhere else. It's one thing if we were walking hand-in-hand down the street. It's quite another if you've got your hand in my pants.

So if you're just wearing a collar, then yeah, whatever, that's holding hands. If you're being led around by someone else, now your hand's in their pants and it's time to go home. Likewise, I wear the red hanky on my right arm, I don't actually do whatever that implies via hanky code.

At least that's how I see it...
Tom

I have thought about this before and I have to agree with you from about the same angle.

Everytime I have seen it public (outside a forum such as the Flea) it's struck me as something a bit too intimate to be in public. It just felt like it was opening a door of TMI. I don't have a problem seeing someone in a collar but seeing them be lead around by a leash is more information than I want about a strangers sex life.

Maybe I'm being a bit prudish (and I'd really like to see someone try to accuse me of that ;-) but just the way I've felt.

I hadn't thought about it before, but I see your point.

Personally, in a good D/s relationship, a physical leash shouldn't be neccessary, fun, but not neccessary.

there's that.

And the first point, the safety hazzard point? How many people actually ON leashes did you see at this year's Flea? I saw NONE this summer (although I may not have been paying attention) because who wants to worry that the X feet of pretty leather leash will get tangled in a vendor, his wares, and a stray cane.

I did see a lot of it at arisia though, which was less crowded.

I saw one, and she was on a leash, let by her male partner, OUTSIDE ON THE STREET on the way into the flea.

And, surprise, they were a really young couple.

I don't know if I'm more bugged by the image this conveys to mundanes or by the "Look at me, I'm so different/dangerous/disrespectful!" egotistic need.

It's so .. gauche. There are much more elegant (and therefore, IMO, more powerful) and creative ways to express these things.

There are short leashes (addressing the safety issue) and frankly I don't think they're objectively any more obnoxious than a big honking wedding/engagement ring set. I'd call flaunting sexually inexplicit (imo, leashes fall therein) D/s stuff in "general public" merely a question of taste than oppression-perpetuating or supportive of misogyny. (Incidentally, wedding rings imply you're in a (state and state-accepted religion sanctioned) SEXUALLY EXPLICIT relationship! They also get caught in machinery and office equipment quite easily!)

I'm aware that masochism and sadism were both named after men with, ahem, a questionable grasp of the concept of "consensual" but to say that visible fem-dom play caters to misogyny seems absurd. You might as well say I'm catering to people's ability to stereotype manhating dykes by wearing pants to work every day. People can superimpose whatever preconception they have onto me.

I've heard a lot of "bad image for the ________ community" type stuff before in other contexts. I think you're going overboard with this item. I don't personally feel that wearing a leash constitutes public play. I also think the consent issue is fuzzy when it comes to public sex, and that people might be far more damaged by, say, seeing a short-tempered parent belt his or her kid. I am not personally inclined to push the envelope even with PDAs (although I have engaged in public same-sex kissing and plenty of people probably assumed it was for shock value or were heartily offended).

Back to the playing into misogyny: plenty of "normal" guys are inclined to try to foist kink or lesbian sex onto their female partners in a borderline coercive way for their own entertainment. I don't think visibility of consensual kink relationships feeds into this. It might create an opportunity to actually educate people - yeah, that's a little TOO optimistic.

For the record, I'm not D/s or nor into wearing leashes or using them on my partners (let alone in public). I also question the deep understanding of nuances etc. of a large portion of the "hardcore lifestyle community." However, I'm not spelling that out to preserve anyone's good opinion of me. It's merely to clarify that I'm not posting defensively.

As long as the leash doesn't directly affect anyone else (eg. they don't trip / clothesline someone else with it), I think that they should have the freedom to do as they wish in a public space. If however, it's a private space, the owner of the space should be able to dictate whether they feel it's an appropriate behaviour for the space (eg. if you own your own bar, and you want nasty cigars to be smoked there, go for it). And yes, I saw at least 3 people on short leads at the FFF.

Just as a for the record note about my own safety hazzard comments - I also think bondage pants, skirts with trains, those stupid tight skirts that look really hot but prevent one from taking a step longer than about six inches, and most women's shoes are a safety hazard.

anything that makes it harder to sprint flat out is more dangerous than track shoes and sweatpants, although a wardrobe consisting only of trackshoes and sweatpants isn't FUN.

But then, the first thing I check for in heels is the abiliy to take them off imediately, or the ability to run in them.

A lead longer than... X. dunno. I would say longer than waist height when dropped, but I'm paranoid, is an issue for moving quickly away from/ out of some place. Even the Flea, where it was accepted, but SO crowded.

A lead is probably less of a safety hazard than a really big pointy diamond, and it's just as obvious. But... a collar is more like a plain wedding band, a lead is more like the really huge rock. yes? I find the large and ridiculous engagement rings to be... not offensive, but ostentatious and unnecessary.

Ok, and that's enough babbling from me about this.

I'm going to have to agree with asciikitty in that the safety issue is usually a red herring, except in some really obnoxious cases.

However, I agree with you on the general principle that it's uncool to involve other people nonconsensually in your scenes. I'm similarly un-pleased about egregious PDAs whether hetero or homo. It's one thing for two guys to be walking hand-in-hand down the street or doing the cute cuddle-and-soft-kiss thing in line ahead of me. But the "slam her up against the wall and do mutual tonsillectomy?" - ew. Get a room. Tac-kay.

Cons I'm a little more mixed on - it's not exactly public space and there's a level of implied consent to out-of-the-ordinary behavior. It may be NMK but I'm more willing to tolerate stuff in con space that I would find distasteful on city streets. Gencon, in the ancient days when I attended, was explicitly and only for gaming. If that's still the case I'd tend to agree with you, blue. But at a general con like Arisia... not so much.

The convention center where GenCon happened was attached to the RCA dome where the Colts play.

It may interest you to know that on Saturday night, there was a Colts game. So the half-naked cat girls crossed paths with the blue-body-painted couch jocks. To the best of my knowledge no one was hurt, but it was quite the culture clash.

heh
Tom

Not sure about the "bad for ________" bit, but definitely agree on the point at which "get a room" applies. There is a certain decorum one should wear while out in public. It's not denial - it's an abatement of flaunting.

There's an adage about one's right to swing arms ends where another's right not to get whacked begins. I'd say the leash thing crosses that line. There's an implicit compromise in a civilized society regarding what's ok to do in public. Doesn't mean the public doesn't approve of you, it means the public doesn't want to watch.

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